Lately I've been having to remind myself to breathe.

They say that people who are truly insane don’t think they are. So I've got that going for me, thanks Bill Murray.
There's so much to do and so much to say and so many dreams. I go back and forth on who to be…Hamlet or Fortibras. Be a man of thought or a man of action. Who am I? It’s a constant struggle. A struggle to keep putting myself out there and getting kicked in the mouth. I should be used to that scenario. Growing up with being called terrible names and told I would never amount to anything. Being told I should end it all because there’s nothing out there for me. Thanks to my own personal Hamlet.
Much of my problem is I've never been able to want anything. I think back and about myself and I realize that I've never really wanted anything and as Type A as I am, I really do go with the big picture proverbial flow. Being pushed this way and that way and this way and that - like a melodic nursery rhyme.
Allowing myself to want something leads to trying and trying leads to failing.
Just look at me now. Almost 20 years of education and it's very possible I will be asking friends and family, "Would you like fries with that?" Laugh if you will - but my life is not where it should be at 28. Say if you will, "what is should be?" I should be rungs up the ladder not fighting to stay afloat. I should be in a different place. My life is not at a should be point. My life seems to be standing still and I’m sinking inward from a pin hole at the top of my head.
I have no idea what I am doing. I am getting to know who I am. And that's one of the few perks.
There is a huge different between silence and being still. The old me? The old me hated silence. It was in the silence that i could hear the yelling. The screaming of truths. The frightening failures ringing while I sat in the bell jar. I still get uncomfortable with the silence. But I’m trying to make friends with it. I’m trying to make friends with myself.

I wake up in the night, soaked in sweat, muscles clenched - and have to tell myself to breathe. It's the only way to make it through.