honesty.

Twice in the past three months I’ve been taken advantage of at work. I just realized it today. Twice! The first time it was my ego and the second time my heart – yes they got in the way. I allowed myself to get worked over and I wasn’t even aware of it. I bought advertising from a woman who said I was worth twice as much as I was getting paid currently. She said she was going to help me get a new job. Fresh from being laid ff for so long I wasn’t necessarily keen on the idea of making any changes, one, but two also looking a current job a la looking a gift horse in the mouth – type of situation. She even hugged me at the end of our meeting for fucks sake. I bought advertising from her and I never heard from her again. Humph.

Round two. I buy 12K worth of radio ad time because a guy pretends to ‘know me’ somehow. He chats and looks and I shell out 90% of a budget.  He’s not interested and I’m a fool.  Now, I’m not a complete fool – the advertising in both cases were good business and it’s not like I was totally pushed like I was unable to say no or speak. … but if I am honest – and if I’m not honest with myself who will be? – I look at the two situations and see me getting duped.

Honestly, it helps me to think he must be gay.

enough?

Went to a parade last night with two couples and their kids. I was keenly aware to the point of being somewhat uncomfortable that I was not part of a family. I had no husband. I had no kids. I have no husband. I have no kids. . I stood behind the camera taking the photos.  I watched the parade with them. Then I watched the little families leave together. I got in my car alone. Went home alone. I have to somehow come to grips with the fact that it’s very possible I will never have those things. I may never have a family, husband, kids. I am going to be 29. Am I enough?

fire in the whole

Thanksgiving always has potential in my family to be like a movie. This year really was no different. But it's not movies anyone really wants to see.
Being the new me, I put off thinking about Thanksgiving until the day of....and by Thanksgiving in this sentence, we all know I mean Dad. I was nervous (to say the least) about seeing him. I barely said more than hello to him since Christmas 2009.
Day before Thanksgiving: Mom calls, "Will you please be cordial to your father?" Her stress is my stress. It's always been that way. A little less that way since adopting the New Me Life - but my thoughts envelope hers. I agree. I agree to do the best I can.
Thursday comes and like the last time I saw him in July, I feel oddly calm. numb. like I'm on zanex. an extreme awareness. don't get cornered. don't want to deal - yet. must stay strong.
Hello. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank god for the distractions she sent!
Kitchen fire.
1st thought - what about the turkey?
Living room TV fire.
1st thought - where will we watch the Saints?
2nd thought - where is the sister? (oh, she checked on the turkey, then ran to the bathroom to compose herself - she knows what's coming).

His negativity grows and gets loud and uncomfortable as the Cowgirls score. I can hear him but I look forward.

Reminded me of the first time I got my mascara on my eyelashes just perfectly. a thanksgiving drive to Liz's house. Crab and corn bisque awaited me and my eyelashes. he ruined the day and i silently cried and cried in the back seat behind cheap sunglasses. black running down my face
the bisque is still waiting.

Honestly, who has two fires on Thanksgiving? Really the day as a whole was a fire. Each time I see him I feel as though he burns me and if and when i make it out, I rise from the ashes. each time a little more singed. scarred. sad. that's the part of the movies I walk out on. Not paying $9.50 to see that play out.

World View

Liz: Can I share with you my world view?

Jack: I’d rather hear you sing Rocket Man again.

Liz: All of humankind has one thing in common. The sandwich. I belive that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

Jack: What a surprise, you world view is food based.

            -NBC's 30 ROCK

This certainly resonates with me. I've always loved sandwiches. 

When I was about 12, my parents renovated the kitchen. Which was a big deal because my dad never fixed anything.  We ate together as a family each night and since dad had started working on the kitchen we had been eating on tv trays. My sister and I loved eating on the trays in the den. Normally this was only for special occasions. When it was near finished, as a family we decided to have a special dinner the first night we were back eating at the kitchen table. We each got to put down on paper what we wanted as that first dinner. 

Dad wrote Shrimp Creole.

Mom wrote Steak and Potatoes.

My sister, Magg, wrote Crawfish Etouffee. 

And I, I wrote sandwiches. 

I love a good sandwich. Fresh bread. Thin meats. Crunchy Iceberg lettuce. Sliced Creole tomatoes. Zippy Mayo. Dill pickle on the side. 

I'm even the crazy who puts the chips on the sandwich. It's all about the crunch. 

A good sandwich can change a person's life. Well, their day at least. 

And while it can definitely change a person's day, sandwiches have changed my life. For that fateful night in my family's renovated kitchen - my choice was pulled. And my family's never let me forget it. 

I've been away

I've been away from writing for a while. While I didn't have a j-o-b, I wrote often. Now I work. and write less.
My typical life has gone on. My life's an opera. with arias that never quite reach the top.

The holidays are around the corner and I am trying desperately hard to find some place else to be. I've somehow quickly slipped into being a family member of a family I don't want to think about. the holidays mean a few things this year (more than any other) - avoidance, drinking, and stress.  I know I'll fall into terrible twos - drinking and sleeping - and read too much David Sedaris. Oh, so much to look forward to.

I ask myself, pretty often, WHO IS THIS PERSON!? Who is this person thinking this way? Doing these things?  For I am not the same person I was last January. Have I been away from myself - or is this - myself?

I never want. Never never let myself want. Wanting leads to trying and trying leads to failing.

Seize the Day (Chorale) to Bad Romance

Gosh I love Newsies. and Christin Bale of course.